Horoscopes TYB Style

New little segment on T.Y.B. where I fill in a few peoples future with a look into the magical Crystal Ball I bought at a garage sale.

Aries (March 21 - April 19): Today you will find the true meaning of friendship, someone close to you will lend you an extra dollar or two while you're in line at the 7-11 for a big gulp and you start to do the "pat your own body" move realizing you left your wallet at home. Lucky numbers are 7, 11

Taurus (April 20 - May 20): You will have to make a great decision today and probably blow it by over thinking. When you come to this fork in the road I want you to count to 10 and then go in the direction that costs more money. I say this because money is a lot like girls. . . . I take that back, girls are only cool once a week and money is buck wild all the time, if you're a Taurus just do whatever the hell you want cause your a Bull/type of car made by ford. Lucky numbers 3, 41, 659

Gemini (May 21 - June 20): You are an American Gladiator

Cancer (June 21 - July 22): People usually come to you for answers because you are good at giving helpful advice, but tend to suck at making your own life better. Stop living in your parents basement and eating zebra cakes(which rule by the way), and go do something. My suggestion is; sell everything you own on Craigslist and move to L.A. and try and become an actor, no one ever does that.

- Nick Hall