Urinal Talk 101

I pee anywhere from 2-3 times a day give or take how many Big Gulps I dominate. According to my buddy thats not enough times and I need to hydrate more. Then I proceeded to give him the "suck it" sign cause I could care less how many times I urinate on a daily basis. As long as my sniping ability is razor sharp in Call of Duty I'm a happy camper.

The point I'm getting at is on average I pee on myself upwards of 50 percent of the time. Its usually not the big of a deal because most piss-dribble on your pants goes away in under 10 minutes. The brutal part is when you're out in public for those 10 minutes, because if you're at home no one gives a hoot, ya just don't drop a potato chip on the piss spot and your golden. When you're in public with a pee stain you either gotta hit up the hand dryer machine or walk sideways back to your table so no one sees it(I do the walk twice a week). Not gonna lie, its tough for me these days to come away with a clean bathroom trip. From using the dong hole in your boxers to the hand on the wall trying to create a better angle of downfall, I've done it all. Truth is theres no real answer. 


I would like to give two pointers on going number one in el bano which is Spanish for "the bathroom" and Russian for "dont touch my apple juice". If its late at night and you're trying to accomplish a quiet pee, here is what ya do: Pee on the sides, do not hit the water directly. This will make for a more soothing softer sound. Oh and if theres any remaining crap marks stuck on the side of the toilet from the person before you, its automatic for any guy that he should piss that off first before worrying about anything else. Tip number two, if you're crunched for time, once you see your urine speed start to decelerate then give the ole toilet a flush, this will allow your peeing and flushing to work with the clock instead of against it. 


- Nick Hall