Pop Draft Class of 1999
Years from now, we will be telling our grandkids about the famed pop draft class of 1999. This was the year all of the big honeys hit the scene with albums, leaving dudes ages 11-99 with massive boners. I was 16 at the time, and was having to do the uptuck for about 6 hours out of the day. Anyways, let's take a quick look back on these tricks and see who came out on top after all these years.
Britney Spears - The Aurora Borealis of teen pop stars. (Northern Lights, for you laymen). She came out with "Hit Me Baby," and you know every guy rushed home from school hoping to catch that video on TRL, then play it back in slow-mo. This was before youtube, so you really had to be on your game if you wanted to catch Carson Daly playing that vid every day. This girl was a smokeshow from the get-go, and then suddenly it seemed like she had been shot straight out of the looney bin. A bald head, a marriage to K-Fed, and one pair of cankles later, and she's still a girl we all want to bend over the couch. Only after she'd left, we'd have to burn the couch to rid our house of the gas station smell.
Christina Aguilera - Compared to Britney, she was a beanpole back in '99. Personally, I found this more appealing considering I'm all of 140 lbs worth of twisted steel and sex appeal. What she lacked in side boob and crotch gap, the staples of Nick Hall's rating system, she made up for with a set of pipes, and I'm not talking fallopian tubes. However, she never quite made it to Britney's level. Fast forward to present day, and she has changed body shape more times than Oprah. Skinny with no boobs, skinny with big boobs, chubby with huge boobs, and now she seems to have finally settled in nicely as a fat girl with big boobs, wearing skinny girl clothes. I'm less than thrilled.
Jessica Simpson - No one noticed anything about her except for her enormous, gravity-defying rack. And the best part? Au naturale, baby! Swing low, sweet chariots. Unfortunately, God must have a funny sense of humor because he supplemented the best tits on the planet with a 10-cent brain. Then, to make matters worse for Hall Trane, she ended up ballooning up to a million pounds and had to wear shower curtains as clothes. Some would say it's the curse of Tony Romo. Some would say it's her metabolism finally slowing down. Some would say she's about 3 or 4 years away from the "Hulk Hogan sex-tape-no-one-wants-to-see" zone.